Yesterday was a very moving and spiritual day. For those who attended the graveside ceremony with the US military honor guard may not have known that the gun salute we heard just after "Taps" began to play by the bugler was not planned. Vicki had elected to not have the salute at all. Yet, the three shots rang out in perfect sequence to the beautiful melody in the distance. Vicki reminded us that so often this was the weekend Joe would go hunting. Guns were certainly one of his passions. I choose to believe that it was just his little way of reassuring us that he is up there watching over us.
Maureen and I are forever grateful for the opportunities we had to walk with the Martuscello family on this year long journey. So many people approached us after the funeral mass with good wishes and gratitude. Over and over we heard how lucky Vicki and Joe were to have friends likes us. No.....how lucky we were. Our circle widened, as Fr. Bob puts it, to include so many new friends; friends who shared a common love and now a common grief. Many of you asked for a copy of Vicki's eulogy and my comments at the funeral. With her approval, we share them with you here, part of our lasting memorial to a man whose limitless love for those around him is matched only by the permanence of his memory in our hearts.
Good morning.
A few years ago, a friend of ours wrote a wonderful eulogy about his son. I still admire Bill’s strength in sitting down and gathering his thoughts then. And today, I will try to draw from some of that strength that Bill and Donna have and talk about Joe. I should be the one to talk about Joe; after all, I lived with him for more than 20 years, but alas I have deferred this job to Paul. He’s a much more eloquent speaker than I, and frankly, I don’t know if I can get through it. So thanks Paul – you have been a wonderful friend to me for more than 30 years.
Today we celebrate Joe’s life. While the end of his physical life has occurred, there is much to celebrate as he left an impression on each and every one of us here today– and if we can all keep his memory alive, then Joe will live within us all forever. He’s not with us physically anymore. This fact is heartbreaking – but as I said – today we will celebrate his life.
We all know that Joe has a wonderfully diverse character – he not only was a husband and father, but a son, brother, friend, employee, boss, coach, athlete, musician and referee. 46 years is much too short of a time on this earth, but Father Werth told me that in Joe’s 46 years he accomplished all that God wanted of him. It was time for him to go home. Perhaps Joe’s illness was the start of a journey for us all – perhaps his last year on earth was to allow us all to travel this journey – personally and together – for our life’s fulfillment of what God intends.
Many of the kids sitting here have their driver’s license because they graduated from the Martuscello School of driving! Many of the kids sitting here today are the great soccer, basketball and baseball players because of Joe’s patient and consistent coaching that he did from very early on. Joe’s infinite patience was evident when Richie thought he could kick the basketball from the back of the yard and get it through the net. It succeeded in getting through the picture window! When he finished coaching, he moved to reffing. I don’t think that anything Joe ever did satisfied him as much as reffing soccer. For awhile we didn’t recognize him if he was not wearing stripes! Gina, Tom and I used to tease him unmercifully as he was seeking out games to ref when he was not scheduled. He believed that reffing a game was much more than just being there on the field with the kids, but it allowed him to continue to teach, inspire and ensure that kids learned what he so wanted for them all – teamwork, loyalty, strength, fair play and courage.
Joe was the guy that everyone called for help – to move furniture, replace windows, and fix things in the house. He and Bill spent a weekend removing their old hot tub for replacement – Toni has wonderfully captioned pictures of Joe –saying she thought he enjoyed the demolition a little too much!
If he was not reffing soccer one only had to look in the basement and listen to his rich voice fill the house as he sang and played the bass. I think that the kept with the bass for many reasons – the biggest being that it gave him a sense of peace. He helped form the very first elementary school jazz band when Tom was in 4th grade. I sat there pointing out to the other mothers that “my other child” was the tall one in the back! Papa Joe’s Crawfish Stew band plays Dixieland music – an interesting combination of people form this unique band that began to help cub scouts go to camp. The band evolved into a passion for them all, and a friendship developed amidst their differing backgrounds.
Joe’s degree is in teaching technology – shop class. He never pursued the masters’ degree that he wanted and never pursued the teaching job. He got into manufacturing early on in his career and found satisfaction in making things, learning and growing with the various companies he worked for. He found a home at Caldwell Manufacturing and was the happiest there in all of his years working. He found not only a great job, but great friends. Joe worked his magic with wood in building things around the house –decks, furniture and countless school projects were created in his work shop. Joe’s multi-talent also lent to sewing. I think he bought me a sewing machine early on so that he could use it! He made covers for the pool table, all of his band gear and was the driving force in making clothes for the girls lacrosse bears Gina’s senior year. Who would’ve guessed?
What began as a kidney stone turned into Cancer. Cancer in our family? Joe has Cancer? He never even gets a cold! It took us a long time to get our bearings and fight this beast head-on. But fight we did. None of us believed that cancer would take Joe from us. It was always foremost in our thoughts that he would beat this – after all, he has tackled a lot in his life and won. We all took part in making sure that we had the latest and greatest treatments – the best doctor for the disease, and the best care we could offer Joe. No one knows the hours that we sat just watching him through a tough spot – but being thankful he made it through successfully. Courage and strength became our mantra. There was no time for whining and complaining.
Maureen’s persistent quest for a clinical trial proved to be the best medicine that we could have hoped for – with the best doctor around. The support came to us in many forms – from teaching Gina and I how to be make-shift nurses to countless fund raisers to keep taking Joe to Houston to dinners delivered weekly to cards and letters (we have hundreds) to phone calls to prayer to a rotating schedule of visiting nurses and aides. Nothing was too small. All of the support has helped us to get through this trial in our lives a little stronger and a lot richer in spirit and faith. Alas, none of the treatments worked to cure the cancer growing in Joe, but he touched many lives by enduring the trials. Perhaps, someday, someone will be cured because of the treatments Joe tried. I think he would like that.
As I sit here today I am filled with much emotion. Grief and sadness have just begun to hit Gina, Tom and I, however, we are also filled with gratitude and thanks. They say if you have one good friend in a lifetime you are blessed. We are blessed a hundredfold. How lucky we have been this past 23 years. Our lives have been rich & full. When one thinks of Joe, immediately loyalty and courage come to mind. Then beauty, persistence, humor, patience, kindness and we can’t forget barking spiders! Each of us here today have a memory about his life – and I ask that you keep it alive. You’re never truly gone if you’ve influenced a life. I believe Joe will live forever in us all.
Cancer touches not only the patient and the immediate family, but the surrounding community as well. So many people have been an unending pool of support for us all. The days were easier with you all there. Your continued strength has been my rock to lean on. The blog started out as a way to communicate and chronicle to our friends and family what was happening with Joe, and ended up being almost a journal for me. Many people tell me that it reads like a story – it was a wonderful avenue to thank those around us - celebrate our successes - and share our grief at the cancer’s growth. The Martuscello march against cancer was a resounding success and Joe was able to reap the strength vibrating from the room. Its presence was upbeat and fun, allowing Joe to see and talk to people he knew - it allowed people to say goodbye. It was a tribute to Joe’s life. Our heartfelt Thanks to Brian, the band and the team of folks who organized it. The team took minimal direction from me and ran with a night filled with joy, laughter, good friends and love. My sister, my friends, thank you. You are truly amazing, remarkable people.
They say that great tragedy brings out the best in people. While we were blessed with 2 children of our own, the extended family that was lent to us has been a source of great strength, joy and love. So, to Franco, Jake, Richie, Steve, Louie, and Richie – we love you for your unconditional time and support to Tom and to us all. Gina has been blessed with 7 wonderful brothers! Your positive upbeat attitude and winning personalities have enriched our lives. You made the work around the house and yard fun. I would be remiss to not say thanks to your parents for raising such wonderful boys who we are lucky enough to share.
My sister and parents along with our close circle of friends were never far. While the Andersons are fighting Scott’s own cancer, our battle never strayed from their hearts and minds. Kate continues to be a joy in our lives. Blake was instrumental in almost everything – a brother to my adopted sons - and we are blessed that he has come into our lives. Paul and Maureen, Lynn & Tim – There are no words for the continued support that you gave to us from day one. We linked hands last December and vowed to fight this together. And fight we did. How lucky we are to have you.
Many others have touched our lives in so many ways. Family, friends, neighbors, coworkers and colleagues have just come out in droves to support us. Words of thanks just don’t seem enough, but your presence sparkles our lives.
Gina, Tom and I want to thank you all for coming. Please join us for a luncheon at The Brook House on Ridge Rd. after the ceremony at the cemetery. As we move on with our lives, I wish to leave you with a thought - sent to me by my Godfather, who is an inspiration in my life:
I may never see tomorrow
There’s no written guarantee
And the things that happened yesterday
Belong to history
I cannot predict the future
I cannot change the past
I have just the present moment
I must treat it as my last
I must use the moment wisely
For it soon will pass away
And be lost to me forever
As part of yesterday
I must exercise compassion
Help the fallen to their feet
Be a friend to the friendless
Make an empty life complete
The unkind things I do today
May never be undone
Any friendships that I fail to win
May nevermore be won
I may not have another chance
On bended knee to pray
And I thank God with humble heart
For giving me this day
To Joe – my husband and my friend – ciao – Te Amo - until we meet again.
If I can ask your patience for just a few more minutes, I would like to share some thoughts of my own.
Hey buddy! That’s the greeting Joe and I always gave each other, whether on the phone or in person….Hey Buddy!
The blessing of my life by Joe started actually many years before we even met. I was truly blessed in the Fall of 1974 as I began my Freshman year in high school. That was when I met Vicki for the first time. It was the beginning of one of the most rewarding relationships in my life. Our friendship grew stronger each year and we made every effort to keep it alive as we moved on to college in the Fall of 1978. Frequent letters and holidays visits kept us well-informed of each others trials and tribulations. It was for a sorority holiday dance a year or so later that Vicki had invited me for another visit to her college. However, a couple of weeks before the event I got the call. You know the call…Paul…I met this guy. Suffice it to say, the guy that took my place at that dance is the guy we honor today.
A few months later was when this blessing began. Joe and I met and hit it off right away. We shared so many common interests that having a good time around him was effortless. As the years passed, the relationship between he and I and Vicki and Maureen grew stronger and stronger. We married months apart and found our lives permanently intertwined. We began as series of traditions that have carried on for more than 20 years. In October of 1984 we went to Kelly’s apple farm to pick apples and get fresh donuts. That was when we announced to Vicki and Joe that we were pregnant with Tim. The following year, at the same place, they announced that Gina would be born the following year. More traditions followed like the annual Irondequoit Rotary pasta dinner held every November at Bishop Kearney High School. This year we got our dinners to go and shared them with Joe during his last stay at Strong.
I could go on for hours about all of the wonderful times that we shared with Joe. Your presence here today is testament to the fact that Joe was the focus for good times for so many of us. But today, its not the laughs, not his ability to fix just about anything, not his unwavering willingness to help anyone in need, but his uncanny ability to inspire those around him that I choose to honor.
Knowing Joe has made me a better man, a better father, a better citizen, a better partner and a better friend. After spending a great evening listening to Jazz at last year’s Rochester Jazz Festival with Joe, I actually tried to come up with a way that he and I could form a little jazz quartet. I didn’t think that finding a drummer or piano player would be too difficult, but I just couldn’t figure a way to work the only instrument I could play, the tuba, into the group. Joe was game. He wasn’t one to back down from a challenge. As silly as the thought was, it was the thought of being able to spend even more time with my buddy that made me think so seriously of it.
Sharing his love of the world around him was one of Joe’s greatest gifts to me. Whether it was billiards, jazz, computers or any of a number of other hobbies we shared, I learned so much from my friend.
Joe’s legacy is so much more than the things he built, the physical things he has left for us, it is the memory he has left with us of what it is to be a good man, a truly good man. Joe’s effect on the young people he encountered over the years will resound for many years to come.
It may not be tomorrow or even next year, but in the years to come, the young people who were influenced by Joe will draw from what they saw demonstrated in the way Joe lived his life.
It is very difficult to teach integrity, loyalty and commitment. Yet, these are just a few of the virtues Joe has imbued upon so many of us, both teen-agers and adults.
There is a great void in my heart which has grown steadily since January. I am grateful, however, that this void is still just a bit smaller than the joy of my friendship with Joe.
I want to share with you part of a letter that Maureen and I received from Dr. Kohli, Joe’s oncologist at Strong.
Joe fought a valiant and extremely courageous battle. And he was never alone. All of you were with him all through out.
Some of the things they don't teach us in cancer treatments we occasionally are lucky enough to learn from our patients and their loved ones.
I learnt from Joe, while I tried to help him, virtues of courage, valor, persistence, and how to climb the hill with a hope in one's heart, a prayer on one's lips and a smile on one's face even when a dark cloud looms over one. I learnt from seeing his family and friends, the effect a single human being can have on his fellow humans and the undying strength of their love for him in return.
I can only consider myself fortunate that I met Joe and he gave me the opportunity to learn these lessons of life. On this journey in life, I shall remember these gifts that he and you all have given me. For that I thank you all.
Hey buddy! Rack up another game of nine-ball. I love you.
